I was asked to speak in church on Mother’s Day back in 2016. This was my talk. Five years later, I’m still so grateful for all my wife has done and love her more than ever.
I’d like to begin by expressing how grateful I am for my mother. Without her I would not be, would not have been ambitious enough to do things like earn my Eagle Scout or work out my high school schedule so I could participate in band, choir and theater productions at the same time. I probably would not have served a mission (which literally changed the spiritual landscape of my soul) without her high expectations. After my mission, with my father so ill and soon to die, I may not have attended BYU, where I met my future wife, had she not insisted I take the opportunity. In recent years, she has helped me to be a better father than I think I would have been without her influence. However, she asked me not to speak about her, so . . .
“Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
“She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
“She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
“She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple . . . She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
“Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
“Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.”
On top of this incomplete list of scriptural ideals highlighted by the author of Proverbs 31, most people are quick to heap on a mound of worldly ideals to aspire to in addition to what the Lord might ask of us.
In the 1995 movie adaption of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, the young suitor Bingley acclaims,
“It’s amazing, how you young ladies have the patience to be so accomplished.”
“What do you mean, Charles?”
“You all paint tables, and embroider cushions, and play the piano. I never heard of a young lady, but people say she is accomplished.”
Darcy interjects, “The word is indeed applied too liberally. I cannot boast of knowing more than half a dozen women, in all my acquaintance, that are truly accomplished.”
“Goodness! You must comprehend a great deal in the idea,” says the heroine, Elizabeth Bennet, as she looks up from her book for the first time.
“I do,” responds Darcy.
Caroline chimes in, “Absolutely. She must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing and the modern languages, to deserve the word; and something in her air and manner of walking.”
“And of course she must improve her mind by extensive reading,” adds Darcy.
Elizabeth closes her book. “I am no longer surprised at your knowing only six accomplished women. I rather wonder now at your knowing any . . . I never saw such a woman. She would certainly be a fearsome thing to behold.”
While it is important for us all, both men and women, to have ideals and goals, it is equally important to remember, as Paul said, “all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” At times we fall short of the ideals we have for ourselves by our own stubbornness, weakness and pride, while at others our failure to meet our own high expectations is the result of circumstance. Whether they come by accident or trial from above, these shortfalls are inevitably difficult to deal with.
Before I continue, please note that this next part of my talk is shared with permission. Dixie and I celebrated our 15th Wedding Anniversary this year. For over a decade of this time I could only watch and try to comfort my wife as the second Sunday of May, or the ‘day of tears,’ came and went each year. I’ve come to know this Sunday as a day when a fully active and engaged member of the church would rather stay home or visit her mother than have to face being presented a gift that only reminded her of our childlessness.
In the first days of our marriage, we discussed the option of birth control and decided against it; specifically that we were going to trust the Lord and let the children come as they may. In retrospect, I am so glad that we came to that decision together. I can only imagine just how much more shame, guilt and pain we might have felt as the months passed into years, imagining that somehow we might have been responsible for upsetting the applecart.
Before this time, the only mentions I’d heard of people having these kinds of problems were from the scriptures; accounts of Hannah and Elkanah, Sarah and Abraham, Elisabeth and Zacharias, Rebekah and Isaac, Rachel and Jacob. Yet as time passed I became aware of how many people around me were suffering the same problems we were. I’m not sure how comforting that was to either of us, but we were definitely more aware and compassionate. However, it was a seeming set of disasters and the compassion of another that eventually led to the miracle that gave us our son.
I’d come to believe that maybe Dixie would be one of those ladies that only got to mother children in her classroom; she had always shown the children in her class a lot of love and kindness. However, the principle at her school was more interested in military-style discipline than love and kindness and in 2010, Dixie lost her teaching position (I personally believe at the loss of the school). Regardless of the setback, it spurred a series of events for us for which we have both become grateful for. The hand of providence is there to be seen. I don’t have time to go into all the details, but . . .
- We reset our focus by hiking and making plans for the fall.
- Dixie searched for a new teaching job while I accepted the directorship the American Fork Children’s Choir.
- Dixie found a position at Guadeloupe School in Salt Lake.
- We both started teaching in our new positions.
- Dixie had been taking Clomid under her doctor’s supervision, but experienced a second miscarriage that fall. She was heartbroken again, but this is where things began to go our way.
- One of her new fellow teachers saw her grief and approached her to tell her about a ‘miracle fund’ program she had participated in through the U of U to get her twins.
- Dixie followed through with the information, and after much applying, hoop jumping, medical procedures and other trials, Dixie was pregnant and taking daily shots to keep the baby.
- Taavi had a rough delivery in which his heart stopped for a while, and then spent a week in the NICU to try to get his blood sugar up and stable, but as anyone can see today, he has no lack of energy.
I will always be grateful to my wife for having the vision, dedication, love, and endurance that was necessary to bring our boy into this world. Had she had any less of a mother’s heart, and had not matched her prayers with deeds and actions, we might never have been so blessed.
So, in speaking of ideals today I’d like to point out that this is the gospel of hope, a hope made possible by the great and everlasting atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. His promise is sure.
As Elder Ballard has summarized, “Some of you very likely are striving to be “super-moms.” You feel a need to spend time with your husband and children. You want to be sure to have family prayer, read the scriptures, and have family home evening. You also feel the need to help children with homework and music lessons; keep your home presentable; prepare nutritious meals; keep clothes clean and mended; chauffeur children and possibly their friends to school and to a variety of lessons, practices, and games; and keep everyone in the family on schedule, making sure they are where they should be when they should be there. And that is all within your family and home. It makes me weary just reviewing all of this! It doesn’t include PTA, volunteer service, or caring for family members who are ill or aged. You feel the need to protect you family from the many evil influences in the world such as suggestive television, films, and videos; alcohol; drugs; and pornography. You are committed to and faithfully fulfill you Church callings. In addition, many of you must earn a living because financial pressures are real and cannot be ignored. If anything is left or neglected, you may feel that you have failed. To you who feel harried and overwhelmed and who wonder whether you ever will be able to run fast enough to catch the departing train you think you should be on, I suggest that you learn to deal with each day as it comes, doing the best you can, without feelings of guilt or inadequacy . . .”
For those who have not yet become mothers in this life and have cause to feel the sting of a denied blessing, Elder Ballard continues, “Through your faith and personal righteousness in keeping the commandments of the Lord Jesus Christ, you can qualify for all of the blessings our Heavenly Father has promised to His obedient children. Some of you may not have an opportunity in mortality to fulfill every righteous desire of your heart. But you can be certain that no eternal blessing will be denied you if you remain faithful and live the principles of the gospel throughout your earthly life.”